Skinny, hilarious and unforgiving is the kind of girl that lives inside my body. Let me explain unforgiving before anyone loses their mind over that statement. I have lived for a long time at a size that makes no sense. A lot of people justify their weight and can look back and give you the day that all of this fat just happened to them. I am unforgiving in that I blame myself and months of habits vs giving any credit to years of doing right. I blame myself when I look back and can clearly see a two year old that had no control over what was in their mouth when she was first labelled obese by doctors.
One of my students was commenting this week about how he couldn't run a mile he claimed that he was "too fat" for that. I sort of laughed and I said if I can run a mile, you can certainly run a mile. He stood in front of me maybe weighing 165lbs and looked at me with all seriousness and said "Ms., I have gained 20lbs since I got here, I am just not used to being this big and I can't exercise to that extreme at all.". The conversation continued and it was in convincing him that he can definitely run a mile that I realized perhaps I am wrong.
I have proven to myself that in this fat suit that I am wearing I can do anything. Honestly I have become pretty successful at a lot of things at this weight...but somehow in proving to my body (and everyone looking at it) wrong, I have also gotten comfortable in my skin. Great for confidence and being a mother that is raising kick ass kids that will always know their worth...but sad for the part of my spirit that has always felt trapped in this body. I have somehow forgotten about her and become complacent as long as I can still do and accomplish!
Because of that realization I know it's okay to focus on my goals and not just be happy with what I have. My accomplishments are many and I am very grateful but it is okay to want to chisel myself out of the rock that is holding me here and stop living my life from within.
I recently heard a pretty amazing quote. “What we know is a drop. What we don’t know is an ocean.” I was watching a series on Netflix called “Dark”. Not sure who to actually attribute the quote to though. The character, the writer, someone else who has said it first? Anyway, I wanted to give credit where it was due, just don’t know who it’s due to.
Back to this quote…..when I heard this, I was struck with the trueness of this statement. While I have never really thought that I know everything (how could that possibly be anyway), this quote reminded me of how much more there is to learn and to understand and to discover. I like to think of myself as intelligent and having common sense. But there is still an unimaginable amount of information that I will never know.
I think there are things or topics that we haven’t even begun to investigate. Referring back to the ocean specifically, I remember hearing a statistic about how much of the ocean we don’t know about. I had to go back and check what that was and according to the National Ocean Service website “More than eighty percent of our ocean is unmapped, unobserved, and unexplored.” That’s a huge amount that we have no idea about! HUGE! And that’s just the ocean. There are forests, and the atmosphere, and time, and energy, and people’s minds. I could obviously go on and on, but I think you might get the point.
I feel like we have all met a person in our lifetime that “seems” to know everything. At least that’s how they act. Obviously, no one can know everything. But anytime there is a conversation about anything, they know about it and can talk about it or know a better way to do it. Well, I think we can all agree that they don’t know it all.
This isn’t really about the know-it-alls out there. It’s about the desire to know what I don’t know. To learn things I haven’t been exposed to before. To allow myself to be taught new things. How freeing it is to be exposed to a new topic and just give yourself the time to think on it. Contemplate it, discuss it, and wonder about it.
There are so many things that we might have heard of in our lifetime. Or have seen on a tv show or in a movie. A topic that has been discussed that seems unbelievable or that at first seems to be unbelievable. But as we dig further into the topic….maybe it’s not so crazy or not unreal. Remember the whole debate on whether or not the world is round or flat? Well, you might not remember first hand, but that debate didn’t go as most people would have thought all those years ago. Time travel…..”Back to the Future” movies. The idea has come from somewhere….
So it seems plausible that the idea of what we know is a drop and what we don’t know is an ocean. Think of that the next time you fill your bathtub, or see a pool, or even notice a puddle. Think of what you know as one drop of knowledge living in that space of all that is yet to be discovered. And then think about how awesome it would be to have 2 drops of knowledge in that cavernous space.
My friends, the magic of learning and being taught is astounding and never ending. Who are we to say that something isn’t real or couldn’t be possible. Just because we can’t see something doesn’t make it fake. There is so much to know….we won’t ever know it all. But the fun comes in learning about the things that aren’t yet discovered.
So keep your thinking hats on, everyone! Embrace learning and do your best to add a couple more drops to the ocean of the undiscovered.
As (my) world turns. Another trip around the sun.
Happy birthday to me! Happy middle age. Augh. I’m not sure how I feel about the “middle”. Perhaps because it feels that much closer to opposite end of where I began? Obviously, it’s all relative and illogical anyway. Who knows when the true middle is? My middle could have already passed. Or maybe it’s still yet to come.
Do you ever stop to think about your birthday? I mean, more than just “oh it’s my birthday.” I feel like there are two types of people: 1: people who operate like it’s just another day, or 2: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!
I’m in the second category. I LOVE my birthday. I’m not even sure why. Maybe it’s a nice mid-way point from Christmas? Maybe because it’s near July 4th and people are already in party mode? As a kid I always secretly believed the fireworks were just for me. Obviously, I don’t know how I would feel if my birthday was in another time of year.
This year is a BIG one for me – 40. I always thought it wouldn’t really be a big deal to turn 40. Age is just a number! Sure. Until I’m turning 40.
I don’t think it’s so much about feeling old. I feel about the same as I have over the past couple of years. Nothing has suddenly changed. But, it feels… different. Like a shift in time. Or a shift in mindset.
By 40 I feel like there are no excuses. This is life. You’re living it. You have experiences. You’re not too young for stuff (like renting a car or signing a lease). You’re also not too old (AARP hasn’t called just yet). But, at this point, either you have it together or you don’t.
Does anyone ever truly has it all together?? I think our world is clouded with the picture perfect images we all want the world to see. Not that anything is wrong with that, per se. I surely don’t like the world to see everything chaotic in my life.
But I’m beginning to understand the mid-life crisis. It’s a turning point of reflection. Where you are seriously wondering if this is it. When you realize that you’ve been kicking around this “life” thing for a while and you are nowhere near where you want to be. When you decide that going through the motions seems fairly unproductive and silly and you want more meaning behind what you do.
I have a list of 100 Things I’d like to do. Call it a bucket list, wish list, goals, whatever word resonates with you. There are little things on my list (like spend more time with my dogs) to bigger ideas (like be incremental in passing legislation). When I wrote it, I really took time to contemplate the “things” in life that mattered to me. I didn’t judge or filter my thoughts. I just simply wrote things I wanted.
Who knows if I will get to do even half the things on my list. I can’t say I have a plan of action to knock off all these items. I think it’s okay to not be so programmed in getting them done. But, every once in a while, I look at the list, and it reminds me that I’m alive. I’m more than my job, more than a mom, more than a wife. I’m alive, on a journey all of my own. Having experiences.
The thing with 40 is that time already feels like it’s flying by. Years seems to go faster and faster. When I look at my list of 100 Things, the key is that I FEEL GOOD while doing them. I don’t want to waste time feeling crappy.
Feeling good is HARD work. I know I don’t feel like I did in my 20s. I can’t imagine what I will feel like in my 60s. But right now, in this moment, I want to feel awesome. Feeling good is not something I want to achieve one day. I want to be it every day.
Turning 40 makes me realize that I’ve been fortunate enough to live this many days already. None of us know how many more days we get. What I do know is that I want to feel good for as many of them as I possibility can. There is no waiting around till next year, next month, next week. Just chose be feel good in every moment as they happen.
Do things that make you happy. Do things that make your body feel good. Give it good fuel. Give it good rest. Have fun. Exercise (after you do this enough, you realize that it actually does feel good!). Breathe.
I’m not really ready to “tackle” the next 40. I’m ready to live them in the present moment. I’m ready to learn how to just “be.” Seems hard to believe it’s taken me 40 years in this body to just begin that journey. All in due time, I suppose.
As my 39th trip around the sun concludes this weekend, I open a new chapter of life. Learning more about who I am, and learning to enjoy the present moment. As we all know, the present is all we truly have. No better day to do it than on a day I already love.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.